Lotion Quest

get your minds out of the gutter

what’s up nerds, i said i was gonna post more here. AND also credit where it’s due, this post is actually ~inspired to my friend who said in my discord chat “oh are you gonna turn this into a blog post?” so thank you caitlin ❤

the backstory

it’s november of 2023. we haven’t yet been told that “this is the most important election of our lives”, but someone somewhere is mad at teen girls for enjoying something. we’re all living our lives, as we are wont to do.

in a turn of tragedy, i realize that every single “gold bond advanced healing lotion” (my Go To, Standby, Ride or Die lotion) now has aloe added. this means obviously that they have changed the formula — thanks for nothing, shareholders! this series of unfortunate events compels me to embark on a quest for a replacement.

of course, where is a lazy bitch to acquire a plethora of smallish testing-sized lotions? to jeff bezos’ warehouse of human misery we head, and purchase every reasonably priced (and literally all different sizes, truly madness) gold bond lotion currently available.

which is the context for this photo:

now its now

a few weeks ago a friend asked “what have you learned about the lotions” and i literally had so many thoughts i had to clear a half an hour in my calendar to organize them + type them up. lightly edited for clarity, they are below.

OKAY LOTION NOTES THOUGHT DUMP! Remember, if you will, from November, that the whole goal of ‘buy every gold bond lotion on amazon, which are for some reason literally all different sizes’ was to find as close of replacement for used-to-be-good, now-has-aloe-and-is-shit goldbond advanced healing lotion.

by this criteria, there are two clear winners. “overnight deep moisturizing body lotion” (dark blue) is the most similar to the previous formula, BUT it is immediately disqualified from being in my life because it’s fucking SCENTED (lavender, its nice, i just hate smelly lotion). because of the disqualification, the One True Winner was the psoriasis relief (green). It has the most similar feeling to the old lotion, although it is not as thick. but also it heals my knuckles that always get dry as shit, so that’s a win.

moving from left to right in the photo,

• we begin with “ezcema relief” (brown) with oatmeal. this lotion is SLIPPERY. it feels very hydrating, but also like you’re gonna drop your phone for the next hour after you use it. I like it, though, and wouldn’t be mad to get it as a stocking stuffer.
• Next up is “diabetic foot cream” (pink) — this lotion reminds me of a shea butter – it is essentially a solid. you have to WORK it into your skin, like with friction/heat/effort. but damn, i put some socks over my feet for as long as i could stand during sleep, and the next morning my lil feet were smooth as helllll.
• we discussed psoriasis relief (green) and overnight (dark blue) above.
• “pure moisture” (light blue) is very inoffensive, but it’s too watery – every time i get some out of the tube i get WAY TOO MUCH. it’s just too thin. it does absorb quickly, tho.

honestly none of these was a bust but the diabetic foot cream being just as much work as my shea butters im too lazy to use (it’s not bad, i just dont want to work that hard).

i dont have a real conclusion here, folks, and i wanna go smoke some weed on this friday evening, so. bye, best of luck on your :rainbow: hydration journey :rainbow:

stay safe, stay warm, wear a mask (covid real bad rn), drink water, if you have my number and you are reading this you are OBLIGATED to text me a funny meme (i mean if u want to, its a joke for the content).

OK BYE FOR REAL